From: American Gun Rights Organization <membership@AGRO.org>
Date: January 1st, 2047
Subject: GunZilla demands blood sacrifice – donate today!
As a gun-loving AGRO member, you know that Americans’ second amendment right to bear arms, defend ourselves and worship GunZilla is under attack by a conspiracy of elitist liberal hate groups.
It’s been ten years since corrupt Socialist Dickocrats and turncoat cocksuckative Republicants approved the UnGun Freedom Act of 2037 – the most anti-Constitutional piece of raw sewage Congress has ever flushed through that overflowing toilet called the Capitol Building. This brazenly fascist edict has made it virtually impossible to build a personal arsenal of assault weapons, let alone raise an ultrapatriotic militia, without the feds putting you on a right-wing terrorist watch list.
Since then, average annual gun deaths have declined from 40,000 to just 22,000 last year. Traitorous Commie snowflakes across this once proud land applaud the reduction in firearm fatalities, claiming these Draconian laws are saving lives. But statistics are deceptive: what they don’t show, and what the unshepherded sheeple fail to understand, is that fewer gun deaths actually put us in much greater danger – and that things are about to blow up, big time!
Because America has angered GunZilla, the One True Gun Death God!
Our nation has forsaken the ritual human blood sacrifice that has appeased GunZilla, and prevented him from destroying humanity, since the discovery of firearms!
The ignorance, arrogance and sheer dumb-assedness of blasphemers who prostrate before the false gods of nonviolence and compassion will inevitably bring a shitstorm of 350-foot-tall radioactive reptilian gunfire and fury down on us all! The mere thousands killed by people firing guns each year are spit in the ocean compared to the carnage a thoroughly pissed-off GunZilla will wreak if His raging thirst for human blood is not quenched!
It’s therefore up to us, the faithful God-fearing servants and supplicants of GunZilla, to save the world from Armageddon. AGRO is fighting hard to reverse restrictive gun laws and bring sanity back to a country gone completely crazy. But that is a long-term strategy – and GunZilla is furious now! He could take His vengeance any day! Our staff of professional prognosticators, oracles and soothsayers is working tirelessly to predict just how much time we have left, but they all agree that it is fast running out. So we need to take immediate action.
The answer: AGRO’s 1st Annual Blood Sacrifice Drive
That is why we are excited to announce our brand-new campaign aimed at exponentially increasing gun-related fatalities and thus placating the great-and-powerful GunZilla. AGRO’s goal is to offer Him a hecatomb of at least 100,000 sacrificial humans by year’s end. This is our triple-barreled battle plan:
- A targeted communications effort that promotes a positive pro-gun message through social media, television commercials and celebrity endorsements
- A cross-country barnstorming tour of the Midwestern and Southern states to organize AGRO’s most loyal soldiers at the grassroots level
- Outreach to our Warrior-Class members urging them to take up arms and (discretely) shoot people dead – especially gun-hating profaners of our faith, who definitely deserve it
All of this takes money and resources, so please donate today! And remember: GunZilla is omnipresent and omniscient – he’s watching you! He’s also a murderous, bloodthirsty bastard of a God who would sooner bite your head off and chug your guts than forgive your sins. So, a generous tithing not only helps our vital cause: it could spare you from gruesome death and eternal gunfire!
All contributions to AGRO are fully tax-deductible under U.S. law.