Why Earth is DOOMED!

And you are too – if you don’t contact TranSapient! 

Reasons:

1) Earth is doomed. DOOMED, I tell you! You’re living through the greatest mass species extinction in Earth’s four-billion-plus-year history. Millions of people are literally starving to death around you and Arctic icebergs are sluicing into the sea. Meanwhile, nuclear holocaust is imminent and vast multitudes consider the Kardashians the pinnacle of human cultural achievement. Just let that sink in!

2) You’re personally doomed, as well. Just for instance, as an alien spaceshipwrecked on an alien planet, you may have, uh, “consorted” with the natives. In other words, copulated with members of an alien species. Now, that’s perfectly natural, given your circumstances. I’m not judging: just making an observation. But it probably means that you’re sexually unfulfilled. And, if you’ve procreated, your offspring are probably horrfic mutants.

3) Even if, by some freak mistake made by our Marketing department, you turn out not to be an alien, the intergalactic feces could hit the fan at any second. So wouldn’t you still rather leave Earth and take your chances elsewhere? For example, anywhere else?!

Want out now? Engage TranSapient!